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When I was 11, I went on a diet. My first goal was simple: to stop eating snacks between meals. You re going to eat breakfast, then lunch, then dinner. You don t need anything in between. Where did I get these ideas? To this day, I m unsure. It just seemed like a simple problem with a simple solution. If you think you re fat, just stop eating so much. Every female in my life who was in the position to be my role model (family members, teachers and family friends) seemed to be obsessed with food and weight. It s not like anyoneelse in my family had an outright eating disorder, at least not that I knew about. But I noticed as I grew up that just about every woman in my life had a habit of listing out unbidden what she d eaten up to that point in the day in a kind of absentminded way, as if she were checking in with a chaperone.My teachers would chat with each other about how the size of their thighs was absolutely ruining their lives.In the beginning when I cut out snacks and lost a few pounds, I felt superior to the women I was supposed to look up to. I heard their lists and silently criticized their choices, refusing to play the game and list what I d eaten that day. You can t tell them all you ve had today is a bowl of oatmeal and the chicken from your sandwich at school. They ll be jealous of your self-control. I got compliments on the weight I d lost, not only from these women in my family but from practically everyone who saw me on a semi-regular basis. You know they thought you were fat and ugly before. Why else would they make such a big deal about it? Now show them what you can really do. My teenage years are mostly a blur of meals eaten, avoided or thrown away. I could not sleep because I had this undeniable urge to keep moving.I didn t focus on my work at school because it just didn t seem as important as losing weight. Nothing did. You re wasting your time if you re sitting around eating. Do something productive. As time went on, sometimes the thoughts came and went. I became a vegetarian at 14, not like many anorexics who do so out of need for an excuse not to accompany their friends to the Golden Arches, but because I found the slaughter of animals morally perverse.I attended Arkansas Governor s School and entered a warm, sparkling world of amazing, intelligent people whose presence made my intellectual pursuits seem worthwhile and important. Page 2 of 2 - I began eating more normally and almost learned to accept myself, somehow. I improved my grades enough to merit acceptance to the most prestigious private college in Arkansas.If you re interested in the whole story of why I left Lyon College, I will tell you, but the short version is this: I paid for a meal plan, was not fed properly, made some bad personal decisions that brought the hateful voice back into my head, relapsed fairly hard, requested freedom from the meal plan and was sent to live in a room by myself off campus where things just got worse. Your friends are busy with their sorority. They wanted you to join but you said no. They don t want to talk to you. You don t deserve friends. You don t deserve anything. At this point, making it up to 500 calories in a day was a major challenge. I was burning at least twice that amount by ignoring the homework I felt too stupid to do and filling all that extra time with exercise. Stupid. Lazy. Worthless. Mean. Needy. I see you reaching for that string cheese. That s another 50 jumping jacks. My therapist helped me obtain a leave of absence so I could try to find adequate help for my disorder. I never found that. But being around people who love me and support me has helped me maintain a stability I ve never seen before, and I m grateful beyond words for the respite I ve gotten from the voice that told me I deserved to starve to death.There isn t a tidy end to my story, because it s not over yet. I m almost 23, and I ll have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I can t tell you I ll never have a bad day again. I can tell you I m not going to be one of the 10 percent who dies from their eating disorder. I can tell you I m not going to let it have me, and that I m always going to work to ensure better understanding of the monster that at this moment is attacking 300,000 people in Arkansas alone.Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening diseases. Nothing will change if we don t break this ingrained silence. This is not just how things are. 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